Lawyer Jokes

Looking for lawyer jokes?  It was never my intention to have a joke-site, but I'll reward you for your efforts in the name of better client service.  Huh? you say.  Like most humor, lawyer jokes require an element of perceived truth to be funny, some shared frustration with lawyers.  These jokes exaggerate the perception for effect, but maybe I and my fellow practioners can both laugh and learn from them.


As I was saying:

What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Three.  The rest are true stories.


Lawyers aren't understandable:

Have you heard about the lawyer's word processing software?
No matter what font is selected, everything comes out in fine print.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
An offer you can't understand.


Lawyers aren't trustworthy:

How do you know when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

A client pays a lawyer $400 when he only owes $300.
Should the lawyer tell his partner?


Legal fees are a common theme in lawyer jokes--because lawyers are greedy:

A new client came in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?" asked the client.
"Of course," the lawyer replied, "I charge $600 to answer 3 questions."
"Well, that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes", said the lawyer, "And what is your third question?"

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will, but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
"No problem", said the lawyer, "leave it all to me."
The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children, too."



So maybe a little empathy might help:

There was a leaky faucet in the offices of Ben Dover & C. Howett Fields, Attorneys at Law.  C. Howett Fields, managing partner, called a plumber.  The plumber arrived and after about 15 minutes was done and all cleaned up.
"That will be $275" said the plumber.
Mr. Fields objected, saying: "That's over $1000 an hour!  I'm a lawyer and I don't even get that much."
The plumber responds, "I didn't either when I was a lawyer."

Be exceptional:

It's 99% of lawyers that give the rest of us a bad name.